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From
the Univ. of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign Counseling
Center (1991)
Grief is a normal and natural response to loss. Whether the loss involves
the death of a loved one, the end of a special relationship, or becoming
disabled -- and whether the person is a senior citizen, a child or a college
student -- anyone can experience loss and grief.
At many points after a loss, the grieving person can benefit from the
support of others. Individual grief reactions can vary widely, not only
from person to person, but also within the same person over time. Accordingly,
friends need to be ready to accept and support the griever through a wide
range of emotions.
People who are grieving will experience many reactions to their loss as
they work toward resolution. At various times, but especially at first,
the grieving person may experience intense and sometimes conflicting feelings
or may deny that the loss has occurred. Strong feelings such as sadness,
helplessness, loneliness, guilt, or anger can emerge. Experiencing and accepting
these feelings as natural represents an important part of the recovery process.
Ultimately, the grieving person reaches a point in the recovery process
where the loss becomes integrated into his or her set of life experiences.
He or she is now better able to carry out the tasks of daily living.
Throughout the recovery period people who are grieving will experience
many reactions. Some of the following reactions may indeed be experienced
many times:
1. Denial, shock, numbness -- reactions which distance the grieving person
from the loss, thereby protecting him/her from being over- whelmed by
emotions.
2. Emotional releases -- these reactions accompany realizations of different
aspects of the loss, they frequently involve much crying and they are
often important to the healing process.
3. Reactive Depression -- natural feelings beyond sadness (e.g., feelings
of loneliness, isolation, hopelessness, self-pity) which occur as the
person more clearly recognizes the extent of the loss. For many, reactive
depression is part of the necessary internal processing of the loss which
the grieving person must go through before reorganizing his/her life.
4. Panic -- feeling overwhelmed, confused, fearful, unable to cope, and
even believing something is wrong with oneself.
5. Remorse -- following a loss (whether through death, relationship breakup
or disability) a grieving person sometimes becomes preoccupied with thoughts
of what he/she might have done differently to have prevented the loss
or to have made things better. This can be helpful as the person tries
to make sense out of his or her situation, but can also lead to unrealistic
feelings of remorse or guilt.
6. Anger -- this is a frequent response to a perception of injustice and
powerlessness. A significant loss can threaten the grieving person's basic
beliefs about himself or herself or about life in general. As a result
(often to the grieving person's bewilderment), he or she can feel anger
not only at a person perceived as responsible for the loss, or at God
or life in general for the injustice of the loss, but also -- in cases
of loss through death -- at the deceased for dying.
7. Need to talk -- in order to recognize and come to terms with the impact
of the loss, the grieving person may express feelings, tell stories and
share memories, sometimes over and over with many different people.
8. Physical ailments -- in response to the emotional stress of grief,
many people are more vulnerable to a variety of physical ailments over
the six to 18 months following loss (e.g., colds, nausea, hypertension,
etc.).
Grief is a misunderstood and neglected process in life. Because responding
to losses and death is often awkward and uncomfortable for both grievers
and helpers, those concerned may avoid dealing with grief. With the myth
that college years are always "happy years" and the concurrent failure to
recognize that death of someone close is not the only type of significant
loss, many potential helpers don't even recognize that a student, employee,
or friend is grieving. Additionally, in cases of death, the student in college
may be living far away from others who are experiencing the same loss. All
of these factors can contribute to make the experience more lonely and unhappy
than it might be otherwise.
Society promotes many misconceptions about grief that may actually hinder
the recovery and growth that follow loss. For example, friends and family
may make statements such as, "You must be strong," "you have to get on
with your life," or "it's good that he didn't have to suffer." Such cliches
may help the one saying them, but are rarely helpful to the griever. Other
misconceptions may be that it is not appropriate to show emotions except
at the funeral or that recovery should be complete within a prescribed
amount of time. Still other misconceptions would imply that the grieving
person is being inapropriate when at times he or she breaks away from
the grief, laughs, plays, is productive at work, etc. Friends need to
avoid these and other ways of predetermining what another's grief process
should be like. An individual may have both personal and cultural differences
in the ways that he or she deals with grief; friends need to support the
bereaved in recovering and restoring balance in his or her own way.
- Guidelines for Helping Someone Who is Grieving
Friends often ask themselves questions such as: What should I do? What
should I say? Am I doing the right thing? What can I do better? Here are
some suggestions for helping the person in grief.
1. Take some kind of action. Make a phone call, send a card, give a hug,
attend the funeral, help with practical matters (e.g., meals, care of
children).
2. Be available. Allow the person time so there is no sense of "urgency"
when you visit or talk.
3. Be a good listener. Accept the words and feelings expressed, avoid
being judgmental or taking their feelings personally, avoid telling them
what they feel or what they should do.
4. Don't minimize the loss and avoid giving cliches and easy answers.
Don't be afraid to talk about the loss (i.e., the deceased, the ex-boyfriend
or ex-girlfriend, the disability, etc.).
5. Allow the bereaved person to grieve for as long or short a time as
needed. Be patient, there are no shortcuts.
6. Encourage the bereaved to care for themselves. They need to attend
to physical needs, postpone major decisions, and allow themselves to grieve
and to recover.
7. Acknowledge and accept your own limitations. Many situations can be
hard to handle, but can be made easier with the help of outside resources
-- books, workshops, support groups, other friends, or professionals.
Supporting a grieving person can also be stressful for the helpers; they
need to take care of themselves while also attending to the needs of the
grieving person. Since helpers themselves are often grieving, they may need
to address their own healing process. This may include having the opportunity
to express their own emotions and turning to other friends for support.
Just as there is no single pattern to grief, there is no single way to help
a grieving person. Both the grieving person and any friend who is trying
to help may feel unsure and uncomfortable. Either way, remember that it
is important to be yourself. Furthermore, remember that as a friend, just
by listening and being with the grieving person, you probably are helping.
For more information on the grieving process and how to help yourself
or someone in grief, here are a few excellent references, some of which
may be available at Cole Library or the Counseling Resource Library:
- Colgrove, M., Bloomfield, H.H. & McWilliams, P. (1977). "How
to Survive the Loss of a Love: Fifty-Eight Things to Do When There is
Nothing to Be Done." New York: Bantam Books.
- Kushner, H.S. (1981). "When Bad things Happen to Good People." New
York: Schocken Books.
- Kreis and Pattie (1969). "Up From Grief." Harper and Row.
- Miller, J. (1978). "The Healing Power of Grief." Crossroad Books,
Seabury Press.
- Tanner, J.J. (1976). "The Gift of Grief: Healing the Pain of Everyday
Losses." Hawthorne Books.
- Myers, E. (1986). "When Parents Die: A Guide for Adults."
Penguin Books.
More information is available by checking other web resources
on grief and loss:
GriefNet.org -links on grief and
loss, email support groups
Tom Golden's Crisis, Grief, &
Healing page -info, suggestions, links to resources
Grief and
Loss Resource Centre -many links on grief and loss issues
Virtual Pamphlet
Collection -click on "Grief" for links to info. at other
college counseling centers; an especially good link is "Healthy
Grieving" from the U of Washington
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